Ten (10)


I can’t believe you have been gone 10 years. How has an entire decade passed? You didn’t get to experience much of it, but I firmly believe the second you become a parent you hit a time warp. It’s the only way to explain how fast the time has gone.

Mark, you would be so proud of Nicholas. He’s so beautiful, smart, empathetic and funny. He’s trying to figure out sarcasm, but is so upset when he accidentally hurts someone’s feelings. He’s so very smart, smart enough that people tell me all the time. But, he thinks he knows everything, so we’re working on thinking before he speaks. He loves all things science, is becoming really good at sketching, and is such an amazing big brother. He looks so much like you that when I’m not paying attention it sometimes takes my breath away. You would be so very proud of the boy he is and the young man he is becoming.

He’s starting to ask hard questions about you. We talk about you all the time, he knows that you loved Pink Floyd and Skinny Puppy and INXS. He knows that you loved to cook and read. He knows how proud you were of being an Eagle Scout. And he knows that you were an alcoholic who fought your addiction for most of your short life. I will do everything I can to help him understand the disease so that he doesn’t fall prey to it but understands what happened to you.

I can think of you now without only seeing you in the hospital wasting away. It’s taken me this long for the first image that comes to me not to be you in the hospital bed. But I can’t remember how you sounded or the way you smelled. That’s okay though, those memories fade. I’ll always be able to tell Nicholas how much you laughed even if I can’t remember how it sounded.

I’m sorry you’re not seeing N grow up. When I get sad about you, that’s the main reason. I’m glad, because for many years I was just super pissed at you for how hard our lives were and how badly you treated your body. I could only remember the bad parts. But you’ve taught me not to take things for granted. I tell people that they are nice, that they are being mean, that I love them. I squeeze my kids all the time and tell them how precious they are. And I don’t let the little things that you and I fought about turn into issues for William and me. As hard as our life together was, I remember the fun too. You taught me so much and helped me become the person I am.

We’ll be celebrating your Dad’s 80th birthday next week and your remaining siblings will be together. There are only two of the five left. But we’ll make your Dad’s birthday special and give him so much love.

I’ll give N extra squeezes tonight after I’ve picked him up from school. He asked that we do something for you tonight, I don’t know what it will be, but I love that he wants to.

You are not forgotten, even 10 years later.

Every Day Gratitude

The past few weeks have been challenging. W working a ton of late nights, my regular anxious time of the year, sassy little boys who make mornings more difficult than they need to be, and the time change wreaking havoc on the kids’ sleep.

But, I’m finding myself more grateful than I’ve been in a really long time. Every day gratitude. Gratitude for W’s job which he worked so hard to get, my anxiety not overwhelming me, sassy little boys who still want to snuggle, and the kids falling asleep eventually. I’m also thankful for noticing the glitter all over my chest this morning because it’s evidence of Tesla snuggling with me and her shirt transferring all that sparkle to me…even after a shower.

I have so many things to be grateful for, and I hope that I’m taking note of most of them. What every-day thing are you grateful for?

Awkward People Are My Favorite

This is a total cop-out you guys, but I haven’t stopped laugh crying reading these tweets inspired by Jennifer Lawson’s awkward confession. I’m not writing anything else because this is magic. The Bloggess’ Awkward People. I scared the toddler and the dog while reading this because of the insane laughter it caused.

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November, Again.

Hey! Did you know I have a blog? One where I used to write at least once a week? I know, I’d forgotten too. I blame the baby. I mean, not in a bad way, just in the holy-moly-it-takes-a-lot-to-take-care-of-a-family-of-five kind of way. I’ve been lucky to write once a month in the past couple of […]

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Conversation With N & T: Every Day Racism

My friend, Issa posted a video on Facebook this summer that showed middle-school-aged children talking about the every day racism they encounter in their lives. I had the boys watch it with me one day and then we talked about it. This is part of our conversation… Me: What do you think about what those […]

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My Father

I haven’t seen my father since 1986. I was 11 when he left. Even before that, I wasn’t around him much. He worked offshore when my parents were married, so there were long stretches when he wasn’t home. When I was 8 my parents divorced and I rarely saw him for the next year or […]

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Getting Lost

Getting Lost, with a capital “L” was the theme for last week. I, apparently, have a horrible sense of direction and that has become even more clear than it already was last week. I haven’t gotten lost on the way to drop off the kids and to go to work because I have a checklist of […]

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She Saved Me Every Sunday

It started because I wasn’t sure I could entertain a toddler by myself an entire weekend for the rest of my life. I wasn’t sure I could stand to be alone with my thoughts an entire weekend. It started because N woke up every day by 5:00 a.m. regardless of the day of the week […]

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All The Jams Have Been Pumped

Most business days, at 10 in the morning and at two in the afternoon, since I went back to work last spring I have pumped breast milk. When I was ready for a session, I announced down the hall that I was Pumping Up The Jams so that nobody would come into my office. On […]

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Miss Me?

I’ve been away from this space for a while and I have missed it and you. I didn’t purposely take a break, but I feel like I’ve barely breathed during the last year…I certainly didn’t take the time to write. But I am back and have stories to tell. I am glad you’re here.

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