I watched William drive away this morning, on his way to Denver for a job interview. The drive is 18 hours each way and he’ll be gone 4 nights. We’ve been apart before, but not for that length of time, and it’s making me think. When we’ve been apart before, we only had Nicholas and he was already a bit older. Now, with Tobin, it reminds me of how my life was in the year after Mark died and Nicholas and I were alone. I don’t like it. It makes me sad, and makes me remember the desperation I would feel on the weekends. Not because Nicholas was difficult, in fact he was (and is) an amazingly easy kid to be with. But I was scared to be alone with my thoughts. I didn’t want to think about all of the pain Mark went through, I didn’t want to think about the future, I didn’t really want to think at all. Kids have a way of preventing your from vegging out though.
The good thing about William being gone is that it reminds me of how lucky we are. We’ve been together three years. We’re still getting to know each other in so many ways. I know I’m not supposed to compare my husbands, but sometimes I can’t help it. I know that Mark loved me with everything he had. But I also know that he didn’t love himself and I’m coming to really believe that you can’t fully love someone else if you don’t love yourself. I know, I know. It’s a total cliche. But if you don’t love yourself then you don’t think you are with loving. If you don’t think you are worth loving then how can you give yourself over completely to the one who loves you? And William loves me with all he has, and I love him the same way.
I can’t believe how much William and I love each other. I know that is super sappy, but it’s a little bit of a revelation for me. I didn’t expect it and am still a little surprised by it. We’ve built a strong relationship and a strong family. A family that includes Nicholas’ aunts and uncles because William is a strong enough man to accept another man’s family into his own. We’ve made plans for a future together, and we’ve planned for what would happen if one of us doesn’t make it into that future.
In summary, we’re responsible adults who are crazy about each other. It’s a revelation and I love it.