Just Like That, It’s Gone

I saw the woman crying as she left the office and thought, “There are few things as sad as seeing a woman sobbing as she leaves the OB’s office.”

Two hours later, I was the one sobbing as I left.

But, before the sobbing, there was lots of smiling and hugging. I took a pregnancy test on January 8th and it was positive. I found out later, I was probably only 3 weeks pregnant (or so). I promptly took a picture with my phone and made some friends confirm the very faint lines I saw. And then I drove to a Dollar Tree to buy every test they had and spent the next two days taking them. All of them had that lovely second line.

After that first week or so, nothing seemed right. I started testing my glucose (I jump straight from not diabetic to gestational diabetes the second I get pregnant) and  the numbers were elevated. And then they weren’t. I had all of the early pregnancy symptoms and then I didn’t. But all of the blood work came back strong. My hormone levels were climbing perfectly and there was no logical reason not to think that the baby would thrive and be born in September. William, the doctor, my friends and I kept saying, “Every pregnancy is different! This one is just giving you an easy time.”

Because my doctor is amazing and responsive, she listened to my weird feelings and we started doing ultrasounds in addition to the blood work to try to get the baby measured and figure out what was going on. The first ultrasound showed all the pre-baby stuff just as it should (yay yolk sac!). The second showed a tiny blob that might have been the fetal pole. Maybe. The third showed nothing. Just an empty black oval where an embryo with a beating heart should have been.

So I left the office sobbing. And I came home to my amazing husband who got me ice cream and bought me shoes and held me. My wonderful friends and colleagues sent me beautiful flowers and texts.

And now I wait for it all to be over.