I don’t know if everyone is this way, but I have no real understanding of weight and how I feel at any certain weight. What I mean is that I assume that if I felt good at any given time (really pretty or sexy or confident), it must have been a time when I weighed less than now. I would have sworn, in court, that during those confident times I was 30 or 40 pounds lighter than I am now. It turns out that during at least one of those times, I was within three pounds of where I am now.
I went to the doctor today for a post-op check up and asked her to tell me some of my weigh-in numbers over the past few years. I was completely shocked by some of them. Because I truly thought I was lighter before. For example, I was within one size on my wedding day as I am now when I would have sworn I was pounds and pounds lighter. But, right this second, I’m within 15 pounds of where I was two weeks after having Tobin when I would have sworn that I am pounds and pounds heavier right now. It’s all very confusing.
It made me start thinking about perception and weight. I always knew that I wasn’t really great at telling how much I weighed at any given time, but seeing the numbers and knowing what was happening at that point in my life really shocked me.
I don’t know that they are connected, but I’m also completely flummoxed when I try to decide how much someone else weighs or what size a person should wear. And then you throw in the mix of different women carrying weight differently, therefore making someone who looks much larger than someone else wear the same size clothing. I’m completely screwed.
But why does it matter? It doesn’t. Obviously my weight doesn’t make an actual difference in how I feel. I just think it does. But faced with the reality of that weight versus how I felt at the time, I see that there is no real correlation. Logic doesn’t often enter into my thought process as it applies to my weight. It’s a new feeling.