Coming Back From The Sad

I’m coming back. I’m working my way back from a wicked case of sad. It was the worst since just after Mark died. You can always tell when I’m feeling bad because I don’t write here. I have fun stuff to share, fun little projects I’ve done, a baby shower post, a book review, fun stuff. But I haven’t because it felt completely out of place with where my mind was and how my heart felt. And I couldn’t bring myself to write anything that took more than two seconds to get out. Depression is exhausting.

I thought I was handling the loss of the pregnancy…my pregnancy…well. There was so much logic – I knew what happened, why the pregnancy was never viable. I knew that there was nothing we could have done to save the pregnancy, the baby.  It would seem that all the logic in the world amounts to bullshit after all. Since I can’t think of any other trigger that might have caused a fall back into depression this time, I am assuming it was the emotional part of losing the pregnancy baby and the hormones that went with it. And what a trigger it was. I let the depression grow and thrive for a couple of months. I let it live inside me without telling anyone it was there.  I was exhausted but didn’t want to sleep because of the horrific nightmares I was having. I couldn’t concentrate on anything that wasn’t completely necessary to sustain life. I didn’t want to do anything that required any effort unless the boys needed something. There was a lot of crying in the shower and behind closed doors so nobody would see.

I don’t think anyone besides William even noticed. But William noticed and thank heaven for him. He made me talk. He made me call my doctor to talk about how I was feeling and what was happening.

I’m coming back though. And I’m so very glad for it. I’ve missed you.






Weight: A New Perspective

I don’t know if everyone is this way, but I have no real understanding of weight and how I feel at any certain weight. What I mean is that I assume that if I felt good at any given time (really pretty or sexy or confident), it must have been a time when I weighed less than now. I would have sworn, in court, that during those confident times I was 30 or 40 pounds lighter than I am now. It turns out that during at least one of those times, I was within three pounds of where I am now.

I went to the doctor today for a post-op check up and asked her to tell me some of my weigh-in numbers over the past few years. I was completely shocked by some of them. Because I truly thought I was lighter before. For example, I was within one size on my wedding day as I am now when I would have sworn I was pounds and pounds lighter. But, right this second, I’m within 15 pounds of where I was two weeks after having Tobin when I would have sworn that I am pounds and pounds heavier right now. It’s all very confusing.

It made me start thinking about perception and weight. I always knew that I wasn’t really great at telling how much I weighed at any given time, but seeing the numbers and knowing what was happening at that point in my life really shocked me.

I don’t know that they are connected, but I’m also completely flummoxed when I try to decide how much someone else weighs or what size a person should wear. And then you throw in the mix of different women carrying weight differently, therefore making someone who looks much larger than someone else wear the same size clothing. I’m completely screwed.

But why does it matter? It doesn’t. Obviously my weight doesn’t make an actual difference in how I feel. I just think it does. But faced with the reality of that weight versus how I felt at the time, I see that there is no real correlation. Logic doesn’t often enter into my thought process as it applies to my weight. It’s a new feeling.

I'm only about 10 pounds heavier now than then. But I felt 100 pounds lighter

I’m only about 10 pounds heavier now than then. But I felt 100 pounds lighter

Fitness Friday: Celebrating Success

I don’t know about you guys, but I need to celebrate every little success around my trying to get healthy. Every little success. I wasn’t really aware I did that until I posted a picture on Instagram earlier this week and my friend, Chris, commented on my celebrating. Because I am finding this healthy journey to be really hard, I need to celebrate every single time I do something well. I need to pat myself on the back, and there are a few other people who pat as well.

This week was different though. When I posted a picture of myself wearing a jacket that I wore at the same time last year (that I was able to button this year when I couldn’t last year) more than 100 people liked it and commented on it in either Instagram or on Facebook. For a couple of inches and not quite 30 pounds. I sometimes forget, because I have so much more to lose, that a few inches and not quite 30 pounds is a big deal. A success. I was just excited that I buttoned the jacket (with a little room to spare). But, when my friends and family celebrated that success with me, it was amplified. So much. I appreciate you guys cheering me on in this. Because it’s hard, you guys, and I want to give up, almost all the time.

I’m glad you’re there to help me celebrate the successes. Thank you.



That's a buttoned jacket right there

That’s a buttoned jacket right there

Fitness Friday: Removing Barriers to Exercise

Hi Fitness Friday people <said in the “party people” tone>! How was your week? Mine was okay-ish. I ate everything I could put my hands on had some food issues. I’m going to work on that this coming week.

I used the bike we bought! The stationary, recumbent bike. I have no excuse not to exercise with that big old bike right in the middle of our living room. Talk about removing barriers. My goal is to use it three times in the coming week.

I had some other interesting insights into my brain this week regarding weight that I’ll talk about in another post.

Did you go visit Deanna last week? We’re in this together, so give her some love too!

So, how was your health, fitness, weight, exercise week?

Fitness Friday: Meet Deanna

Hey everyone! Fitness Friday is back, aren’t you all excited? Earlier this week, I shared on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter that I’m down to 274 pounds (when I share, I really share). As it turns out, I have three friends who weigh the same as me. But one of those friends, Deanna, is not only the same weight, but also the same height. Since we are, literally, starting from the same place, we thought we’d work on this health stuff together and share this journey. So, I’d like for you all to meet Deanna of Domestic Chicky.

Deanna and I are tackling this health/weight issue in different ways, but I think it’s going to be good for both of us (and maybe some of you) to see results through different strategies. I’ll write more next week, and do some measurements too, but for now, here is what 274 is looking like for me…


How are your health and fitness goals going for 2013?

Fitness Friday: Redux

I’m back! In the whole healthy-eating, getting fit thing, I mean. Like so many other times, I stopped for a bit, and now I’m picking it back up. I’m okay with that.

The good news is that I’ve only gained back about 4 pounds of the 15 or so I lost starting last March. That’s pretty huge progress for me since I’m really good at re-gaining lost weight. I’ve also gained back about five inches total, but they are fairly spread out, so I’m good with that too.

I’m still working on getting the family to a mostly-meat free, plant-based, whole-foods menu. It’s slow going, but worth it. You can read about my other goals for 2013 in my last post, The Year of Taking Care. That is what I’ve dubbed 2013, The Year of Taking Care.

One big way I’m working on the healthier living thing is by taking Cathy Zielske’s Move More, Eat Well class through Big Picture Classes. It’s low-pressure, but still an accountability system. And it’s scrapbooking!

For the class, we needed to take a “before” picture. So I did (with a photo bomb from Lemmon). And then Tobin and Nicholas had to take one too. So here we are at the beginning of 2013, hoping to see much less of me this time next year!


Do you have fitness or health goals for 2013? I would love to hear what you’re doing!


2013 The Year of Taking Care

I don’t take very good care of myself sometimes. The majority of the time, really. I do the basics, but I am not very thoughtful about my own care. I don’t pay attention to myself the way I do to the boys or to William. So, this year’s Resolutions focus on Taking Care. Of me. Not at the expense of my family, but in addition to.

I have three areas I want to focus on in 2013:
Mental, and

There are a couple of solid goals I have for the physical part of The Year of Taking Care (TYTC), and some that will morph as the year progresses.

  1. I will participate in Cathy Zielske’s “Move More, Eat Better” class via Big Picture Classes. I love the real-people-doing-it-together aspect and the creative aspect of this class.
  2. I will continue the transition to whole foods and less meat. This is not difficult for me at lunch, but has been more difficult when cooking for the family. We’ll have one day a week with no meat and two days with chicken.
  3. I will make all of our doctor’s appointments for the year by the end of January. This will include a dermatologist for me for a full-body check for melanoma.
  4. I will exercise. I am going to do yoga and cardio. The cardio part is one of the points that will morph throughout the year.
  5. I will take vitamins every day.

The mental part of TYTC may look kind of loosey-goosey to someone not in my brain; but, that’s okay. This goal is to accomplish items that will help me feel good mentally.

  1. I will capture 2013 through weekly Project Life scrapbooking. I am so excited about starting at the beginning of a year and journalling as it happens rather than catching up later.
  2. I will catch up on scrapbooking our family for the years 2010-2012 using Project Life. Because this is catching up, I’m going to work on monthly layouts with special occasions thrown in. Again, I’m super excited.
  3. I will write letters or notes or postcards. Once a week, I’m going to put pen to paper and then put a stamp on it and drop it off in the mailbox. And I’m going to use my pretty stationary.
  4. I will cut back on waste. We started recycling this year, but we could do better. And I’m going to cut back on food waste (it’s gotten better, but we still throw away way too much food.)
  5. I will write on my blog. I’m working on an editorial calendar of sorts, but I’m not too freaked out about it. Which is an important part of the whole deal, not putting too much pressure on myself.

Even though I’m making this a category all its own for TYTC, it blends so much into the mental part for me, I debated putting it there. When our finances are in order, and I know where everything is going, I feel so much better. My anxiety is closely tied to how I feel we’re doing financially, and my role in it. This is a pretty simple goal on the surface, but one of the more important ones to our family well being.

  1. I will balance my checkbook register every day.
  2. I will update our budget spreadsheet with every paycheck.
  3. I will categorize my spending so as to know where money is actually going.
  4. I will pay off all credit cards.

I may change some of these, I may add, I may delete; but, those are my goals for 2013. Y’all are going to help keep me accountable, right? I would love to hear about your goals for 2013 and how you plan to make them happen.

When I Am Rich

When I am rich, I will…

  • have a housekeeper,
  • buy hardcover books,
  • volunteer at the kids’ schools,
  • get manicures and pedicures every two weeks,
  • go back to school,
  • own a house with a small yard,
  • go on vacation,
  • have a craft room,
  • have a swimming pool,
  • become a librarian,
  • have another baby,
  • get a big dog,
  • exercise every day,
  • sponsor an artist,
  • give money to PBS and NPR,
  • learn to paint,
  • take writing classes,
  • buy my Grandma whatever she wants,
  • take cooking classes,
  • put the boys in whatever lessons they want to try,
  • pay for the purchase of the people in line in front of me one day a week every week,
  • send flowers to patients in the hospital once a week,
  • buy books for hospice facilities,
  • go to whatever conferences I want,
  • build William a lab in which he can be a mad scientist,
  • have awesome giveaways on my blog of stuff I just love and want other people to have (I may or may not do the Oprah, “and you get an prize, and you get a prize” thing),
  • pay for the medical treatment of a friend without insurance,
  • give money to the hospital that cared for Mark and the hospice where he died,
  • buy a minivan, a really fancy one,
  • meet, in real life, the friends who live in my computer.

In no particular order…



Fitness Friday: Juicing and Vegetarian…Maybe

This weekend we got to hang out with some of my favorite people, my two sisters-in-law. They are both significantly healthier than I am, especially A who is a Marine. Anyway, as always happens when we’re around them, we started talking about health and fitness. A is worried about me…something about wanting me to live a long time or something…so she has been trying to nudge me gently in the direction of better health. Lately I’ve been doing research on different ways to lose weight and get healthy, including bariatric surgery. But, I think I’m going to put that option on hold, but knowing it’s always an option. Anyway, like everyone else in the world, I’ve been hearing a lot of my friends talk about juicing. A and her husband drink a lot of juice and swear by it. My other sister-in-law, J, did a juice kick when she was trying to lose a few pounds for her sister’s wedding.

So, we talked about juice a lot this weekend. A lot. And then, we watched Forks Over Knives and Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead. I don’t know if I’m fully on board with becoming a vegetarian or even vegan, but these movies do a pretty good job of convincing. William and I are talking about the options and the strategy.

Are you vegetarian? Do you juice? I would love to hear your tips!

Fitness Friday: Identifying My Vital Needs

Remember when I talked with you about digging up my mental dirt? I’ve been digging, and I’m covered in it. Dirt I mean. Or something. It’s possible I’m trying too hard to fit the metaphor in to the opening paragraph of this post.


I’m getting back to working on the physical part of my fitness too (in addition to the brain part of the whole deal). Part of the program I’m doing has a component to help deal with emotional eating, and it’s identifying your vital needs. Basically, your vital needs are a set of things that are important to you, that, if not met will have you turning to food to fill the holes. If you’ve ever had disordered eating and been an emotional eater, you’ll get that completely. It’s a slow process, figuring out what your vital needs are, but I think I’m mostly there.

Between figuring out my vital needs and working with the counselor, I will get a handle on this thing. I hope you’ll be there with me when I do!