The Lies We Tell Ourselves

I told myself, in the months and years since Mark died, that Nicholas would have some sort of memory of him. That Nicholas would have some sort of primal, basic, foundational memory of his Daddy Mark. Nicholas was 6 weeks old when I went back to work and Mark started taking care of him full-time during the day. Nicholas was about 10 weeks old when Mark got sick and went into the hospital. … [Read more...]

Hear That? It's the Universe Screaming at Me.

I sometimes try to forget that I'm a widow. Not that Mark died, but that I'm a widow. In the last week, though, the Universe is reminding me. Often and loudly.I've been running into things that remind me of Mark, reading about people dealing with loss, supporting fellow widows through difficult times. And then yesterday @CalifMom lost her husband Bob. Reading her tweets and posts are dragging me … [Read more...]

Gratitude, Use It!

During the few months that Mark was sick and for quite a while after he died, I was amazed at the goodness in people. At the people who sent me flowers, at the people who called, at the people who sent me nail polish when I couldn't find my favorite color, at the people who cared. I was grateful in a way I had never been grateful before. I wasn't taking anything for granted. Now, almost four years … [Read more...]

Home, Sweet Home. Please?

We live with my husband's parents, and we are paying off a lot of debt. It's been incredibly helpful and Nicholas loves living out in the country. He gets to run and play and explore. W is getting his master's degree right now and we're going to live with his parents until he's done and has a job. It's possible that we'll leave the town we live in now, but it's equally possible that W will find a … [Read more...]

"Pretend Daddy" vs. "Real Daddy"

"Pretend Daddy" vs. "Real Daddy"

I thought we had the labels pretty well defined, Daddy Mark is the daddy in Heaven and Daddy is the daddy here. My son, Nicholas had just turned 2 when William (a.k.a Daddy) and I started dating and we’ve been married a couple of months now. Nicholas will turn 4 tomorrow, and suddenly the ease of knowing the difference between the two daddys is sliding a bit. We’ve had confusion about Daddy … [Read more...]