Widow Wednesday: The Hands

There was a spot of dirt under the middle fingernail of Mark's right hand when he was in the hospital the second time. Every day we put lotion on his hands and Carmex on his lips and aftershave on his cheeks as he lay unresponsive. But I couldn't get that speck of dirt out from under his fingernail, and I didn't want to try too hard. His body was becoming so fragile I was afraid I'd cut him or … [Read more...]

Widow Wednesday: I Don’t Know How

When people ask, I don't know what to say. Because I don't really know what happened to cause Mark's death. The physicians had theories but could never say for sure. It would be easier to be able to say "cancer" or "heart attack" but I can't. Well, I could, but that would be a lie. Instead, I sort of stumble around. I could say he starved to death because he literally did (I never say this because … [Read more...]

Widow Wednesday: Why I Reach Out

Even five years after I became a widow I can remember the overwhelming feeling of loneliness and fear I had when I joined this group. You aren't supposed to lose a spouse when you're young, when you have a baby, when you're supposed to have 40 more years together. So, when you do? You're pretty much scared out of your mind. When someone tells you they understand? When someone tells you you … [Read more...]

Widow Wednesday: Protecting the Dead

Sometimes, after people die, we make them into better people than they were when they were alive. Speaking ill of the dead is just not something you're supposed to do. So how do you share information about your loved one without it feeling like you're speaking ill? I worry that if I am not completely honest with Nicholas about Mark's life that he will have a warped image of his biological dad … [Read more...]

Hopes for 2011 January Update

Back at the beginning of January, I told you all the 10 things I hoped to do more of in 2011. I thought, in an effort to be accountable to myself, I'd update how I'm doing each month. So, here is how I did in January. Feel 16 again. The only thing I've done for this one (which is really my fitness hope for the year) is to make some doctor's appointments that will make exercising and getting … [Read more...]