The Real Day

The death certificate says that Mark died was November 19th, but it's wrong. The real date is October 19th. My Mom and I were getting ready to go to the hospital and my phone rang. When your husband is in the hospital, and not doing well, you don't want your phone to ring at 6:45 in the morning. Nothing good can come from that. The voice on the phone said, "Mrs. Deer, your husband is on his way … [Read more...]

How Much Longer?

How much longer will the first image of Mark that pops in to my brain be the one of him at the end? How much longer will Autumn be bittersweet? How much longer will I need my second husband to hold me while I cry for my first husband? How much longer will I wonder if I made the right choices? How much longer? … [Read more...]

Reason 8,237

Would you like to know Reason 8,237 why I love my husband? Today we watched "Steel Magnolias," and somehow I forgot about the hospital scene where M'Lynn is by Shelby's side. But William knew what was coming up, and without my noticing, he moved to sit next to me so that when M'Lynn is holding pictures up to Shelby and demanding Shelby wake from the coma, my husband was sitting next to me holding … [Read more...]

Got Milk? I Could Use More.

Got Milk? I Could Use More.

Here's a giant preface to what I'm about to write: I know that *nothing* I'm going to say is based in logic. Nothing. You are entering a logic-free zone. Enter at your own risk. It was traumatic. For me. Tobin couldn't have cared less, but when William told me that Tobin had his first formula today, it was traumatic. I can't help it that giving the baby formula made me want to cry. It's stupid, … [Read more...]

The Lies We Tell Ourselves

I told myself, in the months and years since Mark died, that Nicholas would have some sort of memory of him. That Nicholas would have some sort of primal, basic, foundational memory of his Daddy Mark. Nicholas was 6 weeks old when I went back to work and Mark started taking care of him full-time during the day. Nicholas was about 10 weeks old when Mark got sick and went into the hospital. … [Read more...]