Widow Wednesday: Why I Reach Out

Even five years after I became a widow I can remember the overwhelming feeling of loneliness and fear I had when I joined this group. You aren't supposed to lose a spouse when you're young, when you have a baby, when you're supposed to have 40 more years together. So, when you do? You're pretty much scared out of your mind. When someone tells you they understand? When someone tells you you … [Read more...]

Widow Wednesday: Protecting the Dead

Sometimes, after people die, we make them into better people than they were when they were alive. Speaking ill of the dead is just not something you're supposed to do. So how do you share information about your loved one without it feeling like you're speaking ill? I worry that if I am not completely honest with Nicholas about Mark's life that he will have a warped image of his biological dad … [Read more...]

The Real Day

The death certificate says that Mark died was November 19th, but it's wrong. The real date is October 19th. My Mom and I were getting ready to go to the hospital and my phone rang. When your husband is in the hospital, and not doing well, you don't want your phone to ring at 6:45 in the morning. Nothing good can come from that. The voice on the phone said, "Mrs. Deer, your husband is on his way … [Read more...]

How Much Longer?

How much longer will the first image of Mark that pops in to my brain be the one of him at the end? How much longer will Autumn be bittersweet? How much longer will I need my second husband to hold me while I cry for my first husband? How much longer will I wonder if I made the right choices? How much longer? … [Read more...]