Coming Back From The Sad

I’m coming back. I’m working my way back from a wicked case of sad. It was the worst since just after Mark died. You can always tell when I’m feeling bad because I don’t write here. I have fun stuff to share, fun little projects I’ve done, a baby shower post, a book review, fun stuff. But I haven’t because it felt completely out of place with where my mind was and how my heart felt. And I couldn’t bring myself to write anything that took more than two seconds to get out. Depression is exhausting.

I thought I was handling the loss of the pregnancy…my pregnancy…well. There was so much logic – I knew what happened, why the pregnancy was never viable. I knew that there was nothing we could have done to save the pregnancy, the baby.  It would seem that all the logic in the world amounts to bullshit after all. Since I can’t think of any other trigger that might have caused a fall back into depression this time, I am assuming it was the emotional part of losing the pregnancy baby and the hormones that went with it. And what a trigger it was. I let the depression grow and thrive for a couple of months. I let it live inside me without telling anyone it was there.  I was exhausted but didn’t want to sleep because of the horrific nightmares I was having. I couldn’t concentrate on anything that wasn’t completely necessary to sustain life. I didn’t want to do anything that required any effort unless the boys needed something. There was a lot of crying in the shower and behind closed doors so nobody would see.

I don’t think anyone besides William even noticed. But William noticed and thank heaven for him. He made me talk. He made me call my doctor to talk about how I was feeling and what was happening.

I’m coming back though. And I’m so very glad for it. I’ve missed you.

 

 

 

 

 

Christmas 2012 In Pictures

Our Christmas season has been amazing. Here is just a snapshot of our December. I hope your holiday, whichever you celebrate, was full of love and laughter.

Beyond Thankful

For many years, November has been hard for me. This year, though, I made a huge effort to stay ahead of the sad and concentrate on being really thankful for what I have and who I am. For the most part, I succeeded. There were definitely hard parts to the month, and I’m still coming away from some of those feelings now; but, it was so much better than it’s been before. With that being said, I’m sharing some of the things my family was grateful for this year, and pictures of how we spent our month and Thanksgiving Day.

What are you grateful for today?

  • Sherry/Mommy,
  • Sunday lunches at Grandma’s,
  • Thanksgiving Day,
  • God,
  • Christmas,
  • Lemmon,
  • Craft time and a family that gets it,
  • William/Daddy,
  • Pizza,
  • Nicholas,
  • Tobin,
  • Mimi & PawPaw
  • Candy & ‘Jamas,
  • Technology letting us talk to Nana on her birthday,
  • Grandpa,
  • Nana and Grandpa,
  • Video games,
  • Teachers who love our kids,
  • Medicine,
  • To live in the time we live. Science and technology FTW!,
  • Being able to pay our bills,
  • Work colleagues who have become family,
  • Truth, and
  • Democratic elections

Needless to say, I am Beyond Thankful. How was your month and Thanksgiving Day?

 

When I Am Rich

When I am rich, I will…

  • have a housekeeper,
  • buy hardcover books,
  • volunteer at the kids’ schools,
  • get manicures and pedicures every two weeks,
  • go back to school,
  • own a house with a small yard,
  • go on vacation,
  • have a craft room,
  • have a swimming pool,
  • become a librarian,
  • have another baby,
  • get a big dog,
  • exercise every day,
  • sponsor an artist,
  • give money to PBS and NPR,
  • learn to paint,
  • take writing classes,
  • buy my Grandma whatever she wants,
  • take cooking classes,
  • put the boys in whatever lessons they want to try,
  • pay for the purchase of the people in line in front of me one day a week every week,
  • send flowers to patients in the hospital once a week,
  • buy books for hospice facilities,
  • go to whatever conferences I want,
  • build William a lab in which he can be a mad scientist,
  • have awesome giveaways on my blog of stuff I just love and want other people to have (I may or may not do the Oprah, “and you get an prize, and you get a prize” thing),
  • pay for the medical treatment of a friend without insurance,
  • give money to the hospital that cared for Mark and the hospice where he died,
  • buy a minivan, a really fancy one,
  • meet, in real life, the friends who live in my computer.

In no particular order…

 

 

Welcoming Lemmon

William and I are dog people and we want the boys to grow up with a dog. We each lost our previous dogs around the same time. William had had Walter for several years, and even though she wasn’t living with him at the  time she had to be put down, it was very hard for him when she died. She was supposed to be the ring bearer in our wedding. Walter (a Mastiff) got her name because when William brought her home, there was a Walter Matthau movie on, and they had the same jowls. I had had Brittany for 15 years, and we had to put her down after a series of strokes. It was especially hard to lose her because she had been Mark’s dog and it was a little like saying goodbye to him again.

So, William and I had been talking about wanting a dog for ourselves and the boys. We had done research on breeds, taken our living arrangements into consideration (no Mastiff in an apartment), and temperaments of breeds and their actions around kids. And that all, basically, went out the window when William and Nicholas saw some puppies being sold in the parking lot of a chicken restaurant last weekend. I drove over to see the puppies and was suckered in the second I saw the little fluff balls bouncing around the grass.

That’s how we got Lemmon (for Jack Lemmon, naturally). She’s a peeka poo, and the tiniest little thing ever. She’s so sweet and cuddly and sort-of housebroken. There have been accidents. Nicholas loves her and Tobin is warming up slowly (she likes to nip ankles, which is not T’s favorite thing). She’s so tiny she doesn’t even trigger the scale, so I’m not sure how much she weighs. Hopefully Lemmon will be with us a long, long time!

Lemmon Love!

Conversations With Nicholas: Whataburger Edition

Nicholas got to choose dinner last night. He asked William for Whataburger, but he said he didn’t want the burger ordered the way we usually do…

Nicholas: I want the burger wet this time.
William: Wet? What do you mean?
Nicholas: I don’t want you to order it like you always do. I want it wet this time. The opposite of the way you usually order it.
William: So…you don’t want it plain and dry? {holding back laughter} Buddy, that means you want it with lettuce, tomato, and mustard.
Nicholas: Oh. Plain and dry is okay then.

Swimming Olympic Gold in 2024

Nicholas will be swimming for Team USA in the Summer Olympics in 2024. Because he had his first swim lessons this summer and is now not afraid to get his face wet. This might not sound like the Road To Gold, but when the boy was convinced that he was going to drown every time he got near water, this is a huge first step. Seriously, though? I just don’t want Nicholas to be terrified of the water and I want him to be safe around water. I waited this long to get lessons for Nicholas for a lot of reasons; but, everything finally came together for lessons this summer.

Because of N’s fear of the water, I thought the distraction of other kids in a group and the divided attention of a teacher wouldn’t help as much, so we went with private lessons. I’m so glad we did, because his awesome teacher, Heather, spent the first two lessons just trying to get N to get his face wet. I don’t think that would have been possible with four other kids in a group. Well, I’m sure his face would have gotten wet, but not because *he* got it wet.

Even with the one-on-one attention, Nicholas was pretty resistant the first few lessons. The breakthrough came when William took N to our apartment complex pool and dunked him a few times while they were playing. After they got back to the apartment, N told William, “I’m glad you make me do things I’m scared of doing. That wasn’t so bad.” And then my heart melted.

After the Dad-enforced dunking, Nicholas did so much better during the lessons. After 12 lessons, the boy who was completely freaked out to have a drop of water touch his face was kicking off the wall with his face down in the water. He could even doggie paddle about four feet out to Heather. I’m guessing all Olympic greats start with the doggie paddle. USA! USA!

Swim Lessons Rock!

 

He Balances Me

I’m constantly amazed at how balanced my life is because of William. How balanced I am.

When I am anxious, he talks me down.

When I am angry, he makes me laugh.

When I take myself too seriously, he lightens the load.

When I am sad about Mark, he lets me be sad, but doesn’t let me accept guilt.

When I want to make impulsive decisions, he injects some practicality.

When I’m too scared to try something, he reminds me that he’ll catch me if I fall.

I’ve never been this balanced, and it makes me so very happy.

Fitness Friday Week 18: Weight-Loss Challenge

Oh, hi! How are you? I know you probably think I gave up on this fitness and health thing, but I haven’t! In fact, William and I have just begun a little weight-loss challenge of our own. We both have significant amounts of weight to lose (although mine is more significant than his), so I thought it would be fun to compete. We started our competition at the beginning of this week and the challenge is for 12 weeks. Whoever loses the biggest percentage of weight at the end of the 12 weeks wins a prize of their choice. My prize is the full series of The West Wing and William’s is a pair of boots.

I really want those DVDs.

Other big changes include finishing up the prescription steroids I had taken for a month and my knee hurting again because I stopped doing my rehab exercises. The first is good, the second is bad.

Sherry’s stats this week:

Weight: Down 2 pounds for a total of 14 pounds in the last 18 weeks!

Inches: I’m up 2 inches from last week, but still down 25.5 inches in the last 18 weeks!

Slowly but surely!

 

William’s stats for this week:

Weight: Down 2 pounds this week!

 

How is your healthy living going? What were your successes and challenges this week?

 

Past posts…

William Makes Father’s Day

Father’s Day wasn’t, traditionally, a big holiday for me. I haven’t seen or spoken to my own father since I was 11. My wonderful Uncle David served as a surrogate father throughout my life, but I always knew he was borrowed from my cousin, Heather (although neither of them ever made me feel that way). Mark’s Dad got Father’s Day cards and meals from us, but Mark only got one of the special days before he died.

Then I got William. And I really understood how Father’s Day can be a big deal. I am so amazed every day when I see the interaction of William and our boys. He’s everything I would have asked for in a father for my children. And there is no difference in the boys, even though one is biological and the other not.

Yesterday, Nicholas wrote his new last name for the first time, and it was to sign Williams’ Father’s Day card. It was perfect.