The Dream

I started having The Dream as soon as I started dating after Mark died. The Dream is some version of me cheating on Mark. I wake up feeling sad and needlessly guilty and questioning my decisions.

The Dream used to be bad enough when I was just dating and before William and I were really committed to each other. Then The Dream was just cheating. When William and I made the commitment and after we got married, The Dream took on a new twist. Not only was I cheating on Mark, but I have to figure out how to tell him I’m choosing William.

My marriage with Mark wasn’t always easy and was almost always very stressful. I have a very different relationship and marriage with William and even in waking hours, I sometimes feel guilty about how different my life is now. In The Dream, I have the horrible feeling of knowing that I want to be with William, trying to explain my marriage (because even in The Dream, Mark was dead, it wasn’t that I was cheating on him when we were married, so he doesn’t understand how I could have gotten married again), and knowing that I have to break Mark’s heart.

I think the pregnancy hormones are making The Dream come to the forefront again. I’m not getting much sleep. And when I do sleep, I often have The Dream.